This is my story. These are the questions I would have liked someone to ask me when I was single.
While volunteering in camp and youth ministry, I met and got to know Dianna. We married exactly one year after our first date. The vision we had for our lives included ministry and faith and family. So many promises were made – some by us, some by the church and culture we lived in. The premarital counsellor had administered a test, and we passed with flying colours – we were absolutely compatible and destined for a great marriage. Dianna saw me as a leader that she wanted to follow. I love her and think the world of her.
As of writing this, she feels fear when she sees me enter the room. 14 years of life in a covenant relationship has led her to regret the grace she’s shown. That grace which the church has called her to demonstrate.
She fearfully and tearfully shared her impact letter with me on a bright and windless winter afternoon. Isn’t it odd that her courage to say these things (and much, much more…) has been a milestone in our journey of healing?
The Boy
What lies have you been told? What twisted truths do you believe?
I grew up on a farm, I thought my dad was brilliant and my mom was perfect. I thought that submitting to the teaching at my conservative baptist church would keep me safe from hell. I thought that listening to Chuck Swindoll would give me a solid theological foundation, that reading Joshua Harris would secure me a good marriage.
I thought that I could trust the things I was taught.
By all accounts, it should have worked. Everything wrong with me was inherited from Adam, and they were being corrected by the people I admired and trusted. I had the best set of disciplers (or so I thought), so how on earth could I have ended up being drawn to the Proverbs 7 woman?
“I’m here for you” she said, “and we can stay for a while – my boyfriend’s gone, we can just pretend” Lips that need no introduction… Your drab eyes seem to invite. Tell me darling, where do we begin? – Stephen Christian, The Feel Good Drag
Her appearance is delightful; her feet stretch down to hell. The starting place (innocence) and time (pre-adolescence) of early sexual exposure is so common between people that my details aren’t even worth detailing here. I’ll confirm that those first decisions to return (moral failure, curiousity and boredom were strong) soon led to something much darker (pain management, identity, fear). As St. Peter wrote, a dog returns to its own vomit. By the time I was in my mid-teens, I was seeking more explicit forms of pornography which would shape my view of sex for a very long time. I committed to stop; I said ‘never again’ over and over and over.
The Man
Are you willing to submit to a higher authority? To forsake your dignity and right to freedom? In order to purchase a greater treasure?
In James SA Corey’s book Persepolis Rising, a massive battle is fought in outer space. Both sides believe they can win, but eventually one side begins to dominate. The losing side is prepared to fight to the last man when they receive a chilling message from their foe’s commander:
“I understand that you had to fight. You had to try destroy me. I don’t blame you for this. But I am permitted at this point to accept your surrender… If you are not yet willing to accept defeat, then I would ask you to tell me one thing. What is the number of dead that you need in order to show history that your choice to end this was wisdom? That carrying on the fight would not have been bravery but foolishness. A hundred more. A thousand more. A million. A billion. Only say how many more corpses will make this possible for you, and I will provide them. Tell me the number.“
This message garnered an immediate response. “Zero”. Surrender.
Of course I attempted to stop the cycle of sexual sin on my own. That’s reasonable. I even became quite desperate in my attempts. I tried everything to stop.
Or so I told myself. Looking back now, I can see that was a lie, was even denial. “How many more corpses before I accept total surrender?” I had at least a few dozen more before I would be willing to expose myself, my shame, and submit to real help. To surrender unconditionally.
This is all in hindsight; I was in deep denial at the time. I knew groups existed; I knew therapists were available. Someone confronted me on the issue. I forsook all these things. I’d rather be responsible for a few more dead bodies than surrender unconditionally.
The Covenant
Are you even capable of swearing an oath to fidelity? Who’s cosigning?
“Marriage Will Help”
I curse those words spoken to me by our premarital counsellor. When I shared that I was compulsively viewing pornography and asked him for help, he offered some suggestions and encouragement. That bastard.
It makes my blood boil to imagine he has done the same thing to other young men: offering denial. A covenant to fidelity cannot possibly be made by a person who has compulsively sinned sexually. To say anything else is denial.
So then what? Was I supposed to forsake marriage? No. What was I supposed to do?
When we apply to the bank for a loan, they check our credit score. If someone has a poor score, they will not get the loan without a cosigner. Someone who will accept responsibility for the debtor. That makes sense. Yet, in marriage, those of us with a history of sexual brokenness are not required to have a cosigner. The banks seem to have more sanity than the church.
Here’s exactly what I wish with all my heart that my counsellor would have said:
“I will allow you to marry this woman, but only under this strict condition: You will UNDERSTAND that your brokenness, left unchecked, will ruin this woman. You will COMMIT to meet with a group who will hold you ACCOUNTABLE. You will NOT FORSAKE the meeting, you will NOT STOP pursuing health” – Said Nobody At All
What happened instead? I did not pursue these things and nobody asked. I married Dianna, I enjoyed a honeymoon period (sobriety was good, health was poor), and eventually I relapsed. Over and over.
The Adulterer
Have you considered the cost of breaking a heart? Or the cost of winning that heart back?
One of the most helpful books I’ve read as of late is How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (Linda JS McDonald). Wait! I didn’t have an affair! As a matter of fact, I’ve never touched another woman! My first kiss was at the altar!
“I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” -Jesus
Tyler you Pharisee. While I’m eternally grateful for the gift of never having touched a woman who wasn’t my wife (and yes, I feel that has been a gift), the damage I’ve caused in my sexual sins isn’t bandaged by pointing out “my limits”. I am an adulterer, and protesting my innocence only serves to bolster hell.
I learned that the betrayer (that’s me) might be able to become a rebuilder if, and only if, they submit themselves to complete humility. I want to emphasize COMPLETE HUMILITY. This advice came at just the right time (as Jesus always does) – I was asked to remove any ability to access internet-connected devices in my house unless they had Covenant Eyes, which I was asked to add my wife as an ally. So here I sit, if I want to watch Netflix or use my work laptop then I need to ask my wife to unlock it for me, and I need to explain who’s going to watch me use it, and I need to turn it off and put it back at the agreed upon time. My kids have more freedom than I.
I wasn’t consulted in these decisions, and it initially felt demeaning. However, Jesus helped me prostrate my heart and I gladly accept these limitations in an effort to redeem my relationship with my wife. I’ve surrendered those freedoms in exchange for the title of Rebuilder.
The Tyrant
Can you tell the difference between outer peace and inner health?
The book we were given during pre-marital counselling isn’t worth much more than the toxic fumes its plastic cover would release in a fire. The effects of pornography were minimized – a wife complaining of her husband’s illicit sexual activity was advised to ‘step it up in the bedroom’. Should you disclose your affair to your partner? Not if you’ve dealt with it entirely, then no need to traumatize your partner.
This is common talk in the purity culture era. And we bought into it.
When I disclosed to my wife that I had slipped up, she looked like she had been punched in the gut. But she recovered within a couple days, we moved on, and I was blessed to have a forgiving wife. I, in my ignorance, thought that was the end of the damage.
However, the deeper truth of the situation was once again far darker than I could have ever imagined. Those moments were traumatic for her, she had no support, and her husband expected her to get over it now that he came clean and apologized. The wound had been opened, and the infection was invited in.
I never hit rock bottom. I just kept digging. The hole got very deep. Good viruses keep their hosts alive while they kill them; hell’s best does the same.
The Rebuilder
Are you prepared to give up your own safety and well-being to answer Christ’s call? To do for your partner what nobody has done for you?
Both Dianna and I are members of groups focused on healing and health. It is through these groups that we’ve come to realize what must be done, and it is through these groups that the Holy Spirit has given us power to do what must be done (read 2 Cor 1).
One might wish that the process of sanctification was merely a stroll down a gentle country lane. In fact, the path is through the dark valleys and into the seemingly impenetrable darkness that eclipses the light of the Son of Man. -Dan Allender
What had to be done? Here’s an abridged list:
- Accept that I was an adulterer and had caused Dianna painful and traumatic wounds
- Learn the ways in which I was emotionally immature – that I had not healed from old wounds, that I was fearing Dianna the way I had feared my mom, that I was placing Dianna in the position of emotional manager
- Identify the real cause of my compulsive sins – that my sexual drive was not at fault, that I had used sexual gratification as a painkiller, and that I had deeply established patterns of looking to sex as a means of feeling whole
- Become emotionally aware and emotionally responsible – diving deep into my own heart and bringing every wound to the surface (where they were nigh unbearable), then committing them to the Holy Spirit and working to find healing
These things are all quite painful. What’s truly ironic is that, in doing this work, I’ve become more sensitive to the pain I experience. This leads me to search for painkillers, and sexual pleasure is a good painkiller – the primary purpose of sex is then as a medication, not intimacy. I’m craving the old coping behaviours. This is the very situation I’m working to change!
Am I at the point of no improvement? What of the death I still dwell in? I try to excel, but I feel no movement – Can I be free of this unreleasable sin? Never underestimate my Jesus. – Relient K
Two things have given me hope – The Spirit’s willingness to partner with me and His unimaginable power.
Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. – Philippians 2:12,13
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. – Ephesians 3:20, 21